Screaming Inside | corvina's Blog

There's so much feeling inside of me that I feel dead.  Such a paradox but that's how I feel.  There's just so much turmoil going on inside but I seem to be refusing to acknowledge them.  I guess I'm trying to be strong and mature about it all.  I wish I could let it all out.  I really feel so down and out.  I just feel so incomplete and unhappy... because all my dreams--the really important ones, those that I hold dearest to my heart--have fallen apart.  They're not coming true at all.  And I don't know if they'll ever come true.  20 years.  It's been 20 long, disappointing years.  I don't know what went wrong.  I always think it's because I married the wrong man.  I feel so let down and disappointed.  I feel like my life is falling apart, like I'm being torn to shreds but I just keep sewing myself back together again.  I feel like wineskin that's bulging at the seams and threatening to be ripped apart by poor stitching.  But whenever a leak appears, I just nonchalantly sew it together to prevent the insides from spilling out.  You know what I mean?

What should I really do?  I continue living my life like everything is okay when deep down inside the feeling sucks.  Ever since I was a small child, I've dreamed of having a happy family.  That's what I had always lived for.  A family--a husband and children that I would love, nurture, and take care of.  Back then, I never really cared about having a career.  I got a husband, had children... oops, I made a mistake.  I got the wrong husband.  He was all so wrong for me!  Right from the start I had that gut feel that we would never work.  But young and naive as I was, I believed that, with God at the helm, it would work.  That we would be happy.  Not perfect, but generally, happy.  Was I ever wrong!  He was all wrong for me!  We did not have the same convictions, philosophy... nothing the same whatever!  He had no idea what the word "commitment" meant.  I bent over backwards to accommodate his needs, his idiosyncrasies.  I forgot all about my personal dreams and made his dreams my dreams.  I practically gave my life up for him.  But he was not man enough to deserve what I was doing for him. He wasn't even man enough to be a husband nor a father to the children.  He couldn't even hold down a job long enough to become the family's breadwinner. He always took me for granted.  Used me.  Abused me.  In all ways.  He was truly the biggest let-down and disappointment in my life.  He was 99% of the time not there when I needed him.  I never got any kind of emotional support from him.... He was so selfish, immature, and self-absorbed.  Also lazy, stubborn, obnoxious, and much too proud.  To him applies the saying, "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing."  He would always prioritize his friends and his hobbies over me, over his family.  People thought he was a man of vision.  If they only knew... he was actually a man of delusion.  He deluded himself with illusions about himself and projected that onto those around him.  He said he loved me but I never truly felt it.  He loved me just in words, and there was always a condition to be met.  He never knew the real and true meaning of love.  He really never knew what love was even if it were staring at him right in the eye.  He never recognized it.  Why?  Because he was truly so self-absorbed!  God!  If you guys knew him... if you knew what he was really like... if you went through what I went through with him... You would be amazed that I stuck with him these past 20 years!  And all he's done is hurt me... over and over and over and over again.  It's like being wounded and the wound would heal.  And then, the wound would heal, a scab would form.  And you know what he'd do?  The wound hasn't fully healed yet and he would rip the scab right off causing the wound to bleed profusely once again.  And he'd do that... again and again and again.  No matter how many times I BEGGED him not to do it.  BEGGED!  BEGGED!  God, how much more insensitive can a person get?  I can't believe I married such a man.  In fact, I can hardly believe that such a man exists!  I LOATHE and ABHOR him!  Till now.  I want to let all the hate go.  I just hurt so much and he doesn't even know it.  You know why?  Cause he's insensitive and doesn't have any empathy.  He is incapable of feeling empathy!  I'm not kidding!  He really is!  He admitted it to me himself!  When I realized that, I could not believe it!  I just couldn't... but it explained a lot of things to me.  But still.... I just got so tired of being hurt by him by the same things over and over and over and over again.   My body got tired.  My mind got tired.  My heart got tired.  Even my spirit and soul got tired.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  For my own sanity and peace of mind, I just had to end it.  And there's no turning back.  I NEVER want him in my life again, even if he changed to become the greatest, most wonderful, most loving man in the entire universe.  NEVER AGAIN. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Forgive?  Yes, I have forgiven.  Forget.  That's difficult.  Sometimes, I forget.  But sometimes, I still remember.  And I don't want to remember.  I want to heal.  I want to get on with my life.  I never want to see him again.  I never want to hear from him again.  I never want to have anything to do with him ever, ever, ever again.  That's how much I'm hurting.  I don't think he will EVER understand all the pain that he's inflicted upon me and put me through.  Physical pain.  Verbal pain. Emotional pain. Mental pain.  Spiritual pain, even.  Come to think of it, he is a PAIN.  A THORN in my side.  A thorn that's gone so deep that when it was pulled out, the blood gushes out like a fountain that it's taking such a long time to heal.  

I read somewhere before that you'll know if you have actually forgiven a person if you cease to want to inflict pain on that person.  I know I have forgiven him for I feel no such thing for him.  But I do dislike him so much.  I feel a lot of hatred towards him.  I do realize that I am bearing a grudge against him, and I do want to get rid of it.  DO NOT tell me that the Lord can and will take it away.  I've been down that road before.  It's a temporary taking away.  It will NOT work for me. DO NOT tell me that the reason it did not work is because of Satan as he is the deceiver and destroyer whose mission is to break up families and break people.  For one thing, I do not believe Satan exists.  I do not believe in the devil.  I think time and absence from and no communication with him (my <shiver> husband) is what it will take.  You know what else I think would help?  If I can just let it all out at him... all my bitterness, my anger, my pain... and he will just sit there and listen and take it all in and then acknowledge it all.  Really and truly acknowledge them all.  Really realize how terrible a person he has been to me all these 20 years.  Realize how he could not be where he is now if I had not been in his life.  I just wish that a full realization will hit him, and he would feel deep and sincere regret and sorrow and then truly apologize and ask for forgiveness.  Not the lip service kind of apologies I've been having from him all these years.  And then have a promise and commitment from him that he will never, ever speak ill of me.  And then, maybe, maybe, I can close that chapter of my life once and for all and get on with the rest of my life.  Without him.  I want to move forward without him.