corvina's Blog

  I feel empty.  Something is missing.  I've always felt empty.  From my childhood...during my teenage years...through my marriage ...and now even with the end of my marriage.  A strong belief in God up until last year did not banish away the emptiness.  I feel as empty now as I did when I still believed strongly in a personal God.  Always feeling empty...unfulfilled...lonely.  That's why I work constantly.  Always looking for something to work on.  Then the empty feeling is forgotten.  Somehow, the emptiness fades away. And when the work is over, when there's nothing left to do anymore, like now, the emptiness returns with a vengeance.  Working hard is good.  But it leaves me so tired that, sometimes, I feel I have no life anymore.  It's all just work work work followed by this hollow feeling, this emptiness.  I am strong enough to fight it and to simply not acknowledge it.  I can will myself to not feel empty.  But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, when I confront myself without any masks on, I know and I can feel the emptiness inside of me.

I have two wonderful daughters.  We share many good times together.  Still, at the end of the day, when no work is left to be done and when I can finally breathe for myself, I feel the emptiness.  At this point, I am tending to think that this emptiness can only be eradicated by a soul mate.  For this emptiness is actually incompleteness, and so I need that someone who can complete me and I, him. But is there such a one?

There's so much feeling inside of me that I feel dead.  Such a paradox but that's how I feel.  There's just so much turmoil going on inside but I seem to be refusing to acknowledge them.  I guess I'm trying to be strong and mature about it all.  I wish I could let it all out.  I really feel so down and out.  I just feel so incomplete and unhappy... because all my dreams--the really important ones, those that I hold dearest to my heart--have fallen apart.  They're not coming true at all.  And I don't know if they'll ever come true.  20 years.  It's been 20 long, disappointing years.  I don't know what went wrong.  I always think it's because I married the wrong man.  I feel so let down and disappointed.  I feel like my life is falling apart, like I'm being torn to shreds but I just keep sewing myself back together again.  I feel like wineskin that's bulging at the seams and threatening to be ripped apart by poor stitching.  But whenever a leak appears, I just nonchalantly sew it together to prevent the insides from spilling out.  You know what I mean?

What should I really do?  I continue living my life like everything is okay when deep down inside the feeling sucks.  Ever since I was a small child, I've dreamed of having a happy family.  That's what I had always lived for.  A family--a husband and children that I would love, nurture, and take care of.  Back then, I never really cared about having a career.  I got a husband, had children... oops, I made a mistake.  I got the wrong husband.  He was all so wrong for me!  Right from the start I had that gut feel that we would never work.  But young and naive as I was, I believed that, with God at the helm, it would work.  That we would be happy.  Not perfect, but generally, happy.  Was I ever wrong!  He was all wrong for me!  We did not have the same convictions, philosophy... nothing the same whatever!  He had no idea what the word "commitment" meant.  I bent over backwards to accommodate his needs, his idiosyncrasies.  I forgot all about my personal dreams and made his dreams my dreams.  I practically gave my life up for him.  But he was not man enough to deserve what I was doing for him. He wasn't even man enough to be a husband nor a father to the children.  He couldn't even hold down a job long enough to become the family's breadwinner. He always took me for granted.  Used me.  Abused me.  In all ways.  He was truly the biggest let-down and disappointment in my life.  He was 99% of the time not there when I needed him.  I never got any kind of emotional support from him.... He was so selfish, immature, and self-absorbed.  Also lazy, stubborn, obnoxious, and much too proud.  To him applies the saying, "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing."  He would always prioritize his friends and his hobbies over me, over his family.  People thought he was a man of vision.  If they only knew... he was actually a man of delusion.  He deluded himself with illusions about himself and projected that onto those around him.  He said he loved me but I never truly felt it.  He loved me just in words, and there was always a condition to be met.  He never knew the real and true meaning of love.  He really never knew what love was even if it were staring at him right in the eye.  He never recognized it.  Why?  Because he was truly so self-absorbed!  God!  If you guys knew him... if you knew what he was really like... if you went through what I went through with him... You would be amazed that I stuck with him these past 20 years!  And all he's done is hurt me... over and over and over and over again.  It's like being wounded and the wound would heal.  And then, the wound would heal, a scab would form.  And you know what he'd do?  The wound hasn't fully healed yet and he would rip the scab right off causing the wound to bleed profusely once again.  And he'd do that... again and again and again.  No matter how many times I BEGGED him not to do it.  BEGGED!  BEGGED!  God, how much more insensitive can a person get?  I can't believe I married such a man.  In fact, I can hardly believe that such a man exists!  I LOATHE and ABHOR him!  Till now.  I want to let all the hate go.  I just hurt so much and he doesn't even know it.  You know why?  Cause he's insensitive and doesn't have any empathy.  He is incapable of feeling empathy!  I'm not kidding!  He really is!  He admitted it to me himself!  When I realized that, I could not believe it!  I just couldn't... but it explained a lot of things to me.  But still.... I just got so tired of being hurt by him by the same things over and over and over and over again.   My body got tired.  My mind got tired.  My heart got tired.  Even my spirit and soul got tired.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  For my own sanity and peace of mind, I just had to end it.  And there's no turning back.  I NEVER want him in my life again, even if he changed to become the greatest, most wonderful, most loving man in the entire universe.  NEVER AGAIN. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Forgive?  Yes, I have forgiven.  Forget.  That's difficult.  Sometimes, I forget.  But sometimes, I still remember.  And I don't want to remember.  I want to heal.  I want to get on with my life.  I never want to see him again.  I never want to hear from him again.  I never want to have anything to do with him ever, ever, ever again.  That's how much I'm hurting.  I don't think he will EVER understand all the pain that he's inflicted upon me and put me through.  Physical pain.  Verbal pain. Emotional pain. Mental pain.  Spiritual pain, even.  Come to think of it, he is a PAIN.  A THORN in my side.  A thorn that's gone so deep that when it was pulled out, the blood gushes out like a fountain that it's taking such a long time to heal.  

I read somewhere before that you'll know if you have actually forgiven a person if you cease to want to inflict pain on that person.  I know I have forgiven him for I feel no such thing for him.  But I do dislike him so much.  I feel a lot of hatred towards him.  I do realize that I am bearing a grudge against him, and I do want to get rid of it.  DO NOT tell me that the Lord can and will take it away.  I've been down that road before.  It's a temporary taking away.  It will NOT work for me. DO NOT tell me that the reason it did not work is because of Satan as he is the deceiver and destroyer whose mission is to break up families and break people.  For one thing, I do not believe Satan exists.  I do not believe in the devil.  I think time and absence from and no communication with him (my <shiver> husband) is what it will take.  You know what else I think would help?  If I can just let it all out at him... all my bitterness, my anger, my pain... and he will just sit there and listen and take it all in and then acknowledge it all.  Really and truly acknowledge them all.  Really realize how terrible a person he has been to me all these 20 years.  Realize how he could not be where he is now if I had not been in his life.  I just wish that a full realization will hit him, and he would feel deep and sincere regret and sorrow and then truly apologize and ask for forgiveness.  Not the lip service kind of apologies I've been having from him all these years.  And then have a promise and commitment from him that he will never, ever speak ill of me.  And then, maybe, maybe, I can close that chapter of my life once and for all and get on with the rest of my life.  Without him.  I want to move forward without him.

Today, April 22, is Earth Day.  All I did was show my students photos of beautiful scenery on earth--water and land scenery and telling them that we should take good care of our earth so that it will remain beautiful.  We talked again about how to save water.  Later, we'll make a butterfly craft from pipe cleaners and coffee filters and hang them from our classrooms ceiling.  Should look lovely, I hope.  I've been talking to the children about caring for our environment this past two week, and even when Earth Day is long gone, we'll continue making each day Earth Day so that they'll know that it's not just one day a year that we especially think of our Earth.

Ahhhhh...it was a great feeling walking to school this morning through the courtyard and the garden at Global Trade Mansion.  It was good to feel the coold, gentle breeze caressing my face.  For the first time in years, I think, the air smelled good and fresh.  I could actually feel that my lungs can breathe!  It has been raining the past three days here in Beijing.  So unusual for Beijing where it's so dry and polluted.  Even the plants and trees seemed happy, their clean, moist leaves dancing in the sunlight when the sun finally came out from behind the clouds this morning. 

I'm 40.  That's what my husband said this morning in the taxi on our way to work.  40.  The big 4-0.  FORTY.  And, as my husband said, no savings, no investments.  Nothing to show for it.  One daughter is in first year college and we're behind payments and submitting requirements for her.  One is in Grade 5.  Both homeschool but we are not able to take good care of them.

I don't manage my finances wisely.  I spend too much for myself.  I think too much of myself.  Now that I finally have more money than what I need to raise my family, I spend it more on myself.  Even more than what I pay for the rent monthly.  I need to stop being so self-absorbed and selfish.  I have been accusing my husband of being selfish when actually I, myself, have been pretty selfish in a different way.  I must put an END to that. 

I need to focus more on my family and focus on the present with a very keen, observant, and conscious eye on the future.

There are so many things I want to do:

- give my children and good and solid foundation in terms of character and education;

- travel and experience other cultures with my family;

- be of sound/healthy mind, heart, sould, and body;

- invest and save for my/our retirement.

Well, now that I've put them down, they're not that much, actually.  I think I can basically narrow down the things I want into four categories:

- education

- travel

- health

- investment

That should make things simpler and easier for me to plan and keep track of things.

There are some things I need to give up, too.  But there's this one particular thing that I don't think I can give up unless it gives me up.

But that's one whole other story...

It’s a small world

When you can’t believe you just bumped into your ex in China!

I feel so empty.  Like there's nothing worth living for.  I wish I felt numb instead.

I wonder what it's like to work for a non-profit organization?  I've been working for my school for some 3 years now and changes have always been happening in the name of larger proft margins at the expense of the teachers.  It's getting quite tiring, frustrating, and more difficult to do my job really well and to my satisfaction.  So I was thinking if profits were out of the equation, then work would be more effective since the organization would be focusing on really achieveing its vision and mission. 

Well, here I am back at work. I've finished uploading the Feb and Mar photos of my students at work in the classroom.  Need to put captions on them now and organize them before I send them out to parents.

It's my third day of studying Spanish on my own.  I listened to the third podcast while I was in the taxi on my way to work this morning.  I'm really bent on learning to speak Spanish!  Today, I learned a few new things but can't share them right now as I have to go.  Break time is ovah!!

Hola! Como estas?  I just had my 2nd podcast Spanish lesson!  Yes!  So I've learned some new things and reviewed phrases I already know.  Some new things I've learned:

- Nos vemos manana por la manana.  - See you tomorrow morning.

- dar     - to give

- Te doy las gracias./Le doy las gracias.  - I give you thanks.

- agradecer   - to thank.

- Te lo agradezco./Se lo agradezco.  - I thank you for it.

Hasta luego!

I was planning to join the tai chi community on sunday, 8am.  Well, it's 1:50a.m. now so that means tai chi will being in 6 hours.  Nah, I don't think I'll be able to go....oh well.  At least, I was realistic enough to set this goal for the 5th of April. That's next Saturday.

 I've been at experienceproject.com for hours already!  I find it so interesting and fun that  it's getting addictive!  I hope something good and beneficial comes out of this, though.